Milkshakes Anytime: Should Step-Parents Discipline their Step ...

This is a question I hear often from new blended families.? Obviously, I don't have the answer that will work for every family, but I can tell you about my experience.? When my husband and I married, my step-daughters were 15 and 9.? I was so excited to have daughters for the first time, I was admittedly a bit overzealous.? I wanted them to love me, and accept me as part of their life.? At first, my new step-daughters adored me.? I was taking them shopping, hanging out with them, and generally just having a swell time with them.? Things were going along so well that the 15 year old would spend more than just weekends with us, and in fact wanted to be with us the majority of the time.? This all changed the first time I attempted to discipline my oldest step-daughter.? Both of the girls were staying the night, and my husband was working late.? My oldest step-daughter was on the phone way past the time established by her father.? I reminded her of her dad's rule and asked her to hang up...like 10 times.? After all the friendly attempts, I took the phone away, and hung it up.? I also took it to my room with me. This led to her screaming at me, me losing my cool and yelling back, a call to my husband at work, a call to her bio mom to come and pick her up and hard feelings all around.? I did not feel my husband took my side with enough ferocity, her bio mom reminded me I was not a parent, the whole nine yards.? Obviously, looking at this situation, my step-daughter should have obeyed the rule in our home.? That's a given, however, I could have diffused the situation as well.? Some suggestions my current self would give my former self:

1.? Walk away.? The phone thing is not a big deal in the whole scheme of things and can be addressed at a later date.

2.? Looking back, I should not have been left alone with the girls so early in our marriage.? If my husband had to work , they should stay with their mom.? This removes the step-parent from the role of disciplinarian.? Obviously, this won't work in all cases, but in ours, my step-daughters live in close proximity to us and could easily come back and forth between homes when their dad was not working.

3.? Call my husband and let him handle it over the phone with his daughter.? I didn't want to call him that night and bother him, but ultimately, he got a call anyway, and by that time the situation was overblown.? If I would have called him initially, the conflict may have remained more manageable.?

4.? Call Bio Mom - this also may not work in all situations, but if you have a relationship of mutual respect, this is a definite possibility.? With the relationship I now share with my husband's ex, I would feel more than comfortable calling her to intervene and remind her daughter of rules and expectations.?

Most "experts" in blending families suggest the step-parent not discipline at all for 18 months.? I can say in our situation, I no longer discipline at all.? About 5 years ago, I realized it never ended well, so I just stopped.? I let my husband deal with the discipline issues.? I am an adult in the home, and they respect me for sure.? If I ask them to unload the dishwasher or some other task, they do it with no complaint.? If they were to balk at something I asked, however, I would now leave it to their dad to manage.? My husband does not always handle it like I would like it to be handled, he is often way too lenient, but this is where disengaging has really saved my sanity.? So, to wrap up my long answer to the discipline question:? Relationship first, than discipline.? Wait at least 18 months, or leave it to the bio parent whenever humanly possible.

Tell me about what? works in your blended family.? Would love to hear your ideas and thoughts!

Smooches and Shakes,
MMS

Source: http://milkshakesanytime.blogspot.com/2012/08/should-step-parents-discipline-their.html

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